Being All Grown Up

Well, another milestone will occur within a few hours - my first surgery without my Mom being there with me. I know she will be with me spiritually but sometimes I wish she could still be around physically. This is one of those times. It just seems natural that your mother would be with you when something like this occurs. I suppose this is just a child-like need surfacing at the moment.

My sister is here with me and will stay for several days. That will be nice and, hopefully, stress-free. But, in the end, we are both orphans - or so it feels. We both are missing our Mother. It's not something we talk about too often with each other but when my sister does share her feelings, I can feel her pain and loss. We are so different and yet, even in the midst of needlessly arguing, the bond between us can be very strong. It saddens me that we often have such difficulty in trying to sustain that bond. So many times I have said "in time it will work out." With Mother's death, I became acutely aware that neither my sister nor I have the luxury of time as we had in the past.

So, with surgery just hours away, I re-read Milton Erikson: "The unconscious mind is decidedly simple, unaffected, straightforward, and honest. It hasn't got all of this facade, this veneer of what we call adult culture. It's rather simple, rather childish. It's direct and free." As with most things in this life, I have come full circle since beginning this entry. It truly is rather simple, childish and direct - I miss my Mom and would like her to be here with me today. However, instead, I will skillfully move around in the adult culture, as expectations dictate, and put aside my child-like longings for the moment.

For now, I will think of "insects on a bough floating downriver still singing" and I will find joy in the simplicity of that image.

Six Months Today

Today is the six-month anniversary of Mother's passing.

I still miss her so very much but I am beginning to gradually heal. I know she continues to be with me and watch over me.

I thank God for choosing her as my Mother.

Thank you, Mother, for touching my heart and staying in touch.

I love you, Mom.